Really missing mom lately.

I have been told that grief comes in waves. One friend that lost her mom the fall before mom died told me it seems easier in the beginning because you are in shock and then you prepare for big anniversaries and they seem to come and go and you handle it well. But it is the unexpected times that are the hardest. I have found this to be true. That's not to say that funerals are fun or I was not sad on mom's birthday and the thought of the holidays brings real dread to my heart. But why would I be so emotional the last few days? The weather is beautiful, the kids are doing well in school. Steve is working hard but things are going well for him at work. I am not working so many hours and have changed my schedule to pick up the kids everyday. We have had a great soccer season with Hogan's team coming in first place and Sarah's third. Sarah has dance classes she loves. They both go to Jiu-Jitsu with Steve. We have more friends than we have had in years. We are loving our church and growing like never before there. Our pastor is a pastor to hundreds but he knows our names, what we have been through and how things are going with us. Our small group has tripled in size and the kids have more church friends than school friends! We are talking about remodeling, have our house on the market. Most of mom's things are being taken care of by an attorney now. We closed her business and most of that work is finished. I have begun cooking and turning my attention to how I want our house to look. So why the saddness? It is all getting back to normal and mom was always in "normal". How can I go back to life and not have her here? She missed the whole soccer season. She was not there for even one game. I haven't gotten to show her one of Sarah's 100% on her spelling test. I order school pictures and don't have the issue of making sure she and Rebecca get the same picture! She missed riding in my dream car while the van was in the shop. I won't be able to take the kids to her house while Steve and I have a "date" to go christmas shopping for the kids. She and I used to go to Kohl's when they stayed open late and shop until they closed. Right before she got sick they began to build one within 5 miles of her house. We were so excited! We talked so often about how great it would be to go there and shop until we were satisfied! Do you know I can't stand to go in that store. I bet I have been in there all of 3 times in the last year and then only briefly.

All I can think of lately is that I will never see her again, never call her on the phone and rant about how unfair life can be or ask her how to handle my kids. She was my very best friend. I want so bad to be lying in bed with her again, griting by teeth because she won't quit drumming her fingernails on the bedpost. She was not herself then but at least I could reach out and touch her. But what I want most is to have her back as herself. Fun, loving, patient, kind, peace maker, even her passive aggressive tendencies that drove me insane! I want to laugh with her over a family meal. I want to agrue with her over who's church is better! I want to watch her hold and love on my kids. I want to her her ask if they can spend the night. I want to tell her how much I hurt over her death, how hard it was taking care of a very sick mother, how hard I fought for her, how much it hurt to see her suffer. I guess that is one of the hardest things about losing someone so close. They are one of the ones you share your greatest joys and worst burdens with and they aren't there for this awful burden.

The other thing that has weighed on me lately is that I am the oldest now. How did that happen. I am still in my 30s. Wow, I have so many years to be the oldest now. I feel like I keep looking behind me and there are only memories. It feels like such an empty space. I am just so glad I have children to turn around and see and wrap my arms around. That's where my focus will be. One of the most haunting things in the whole ordeal revolves around little Hogan. For weeks I had worked full time. Hogan would beg me to stay home or be able to go with me. I would tell him. Just two more weeks and I'll be done and we will have more time together,... just one more week,.. just 2 more days and mommy will be all yours again. We will go to the park, out to eat, looking at cars in Wal-Mart, just sit and rock! Well you can guess it was that week she got sick. Poor Hogan never got that week with mommy. I can still see him sitting in his car seat with tears running down his cheeks listening to all the promises mommy was making and just wanting to be with me. I guess maybe it bothers me so much because I feel a little like him now. Not really caring what the reasons are for the inability to spend time together, just knowing how acutely it hurts.