Back to Work
Yesterday I went back to work. It was nice having something to do and to keep my mind busy. Monday I stayed home to put mom's taxes together. The house was so empty and quiet. I managed until about 11 then I looked at Hogan and said get your shoes on we are going out! I stayed gone a good part of the day. It just seems weird being here without mom. I go back and forth on thinking that I have forgotten to give her medicine to her or check on her. Then I think I expect her to come waltzing down the hall and tell me she's ready to go shop, eat, etc. like old times. I am not sure which is harder. I am going to work a little extra for the next few weeks to take up more time and recover some lost wages. The other days I hope to spent in the park with the kids! They ride bikes in the yard a lot right now while I sit and do paperwork outside.
Sadness seems to be looming over me. I don't cry much but I have trouble going to sleep anymore. I am a sleeper and sleep has always come pretty easy for me, esp at night. So now I know how you insomniacs feel. I am so tired after lunch I could curl up in the middle of a busy intersection and sleep then I finally get to go to bed and I am restless! It is no fun!
I have not been to the grave site since the funeral. Jana did not want to go when she was here and now I have not found the time to go. I read a post by a young lady who lost her mom right before mom died and she has gone everyday to have lunch at her mom's grave site - even in the snow! So, now I feel guilty, like I have ignored her or something. Maybe tomorrow I will make it out there. I think I will try to go alone (without the kids) the first time and then take them with flowers later if all goes well.
I have been writing thank you notes like crazy as well. I thought I would hate this job, but have found that it is rather nice. I think about each person and their relationship to mom and how she would love to see the flowers or whatever, but more than that she would have loved to visit with each and every person. So, it is a very peaceful time while I write the notes and I smile a lot thinking about what she might say to each one! I know she would be so honored and maybe embarrassed by such an outpouring of love for her.
Yesterday I went back to work. It was nice having something to do and to keep my mind busy. Monday I stayed home to put mom's taxes together. The house was so empty and quiet. I managed until about 11 then I looked at Hogan and said get your shoes on we are going out! I stayed gone a good part of the day. It just seems weird being here without mom. I go back and forth on thinking that I have forgotten to give her medicine to her or check on her. Then I think I expect her to come waltzing down the hall and tell me she's ready to go shop, eat, etc. like old times. I am not sure which is harder. I am going to work a little extra for the next few weeks to take up more time and recover some lost wages. The other days I hope to spent in the park with the kids! They ride bikes in the yard a lot right now while I sit and do paperwork outside.
Sadness seems to be looming over me. I don't cry much but I have trouble going to sleep anymore. I am a sleeper and sleep has always come pretty easy for me, esp at night. So now I know how you insomniacs feel. I am so tired after lunch I could curl up in the middle of a busy intersection and sleep then I finally get to go to bed and I am restless! It is no fun!
I have not been to the grave site since the funeral. Jana did not want to go when she was here and now I have not found the time to go. I read a post by a young lady who lost her mom right before mom died and she has gone everyday to have lunch at her mom's grave site - even in the snow! So, now I feel guilty, like I have ignored her or something. Maybe tomorrow I will make it out there. I think I will try to go alone (without the kids) the first time and then take them with flowers later if all goes well.
I have been writing thank you notes like crazy as well. I thought I would hate this job, but have found that it is rather nice. I think about each person and their relationship to mom and how she would love to see the flowers or whatever, but more than that she would have loved to visit with each and every person. So, it is a very peaceful time while I write the notes and I smile a lot thinking about what she might say to each one! I know she would be so honored and maybe embarrassed by such an outpouring of love for her.
posted by Angie at 10:33 PM
2 Comments:
Angie, this is the week I'll be out of town, so I will check with you as soon as I return. Love, Becki
Jana, Angie, and family:
Death is so hard and we all deal with it in our own way. Don't feel guilty for coping in different ways than others. Whether you are able to make the steps to go to a gravesite or not, makes no difference. Those around you, your mom most importantly, have seen your love and dedication over the past few months. I'm so sorry for your loss. Sometimes it is really hard to understand why God allows some things. Thank God that we have the assurance that we will see our loved ones again. My cousin was killed in a car wreck when she was 18. Sometimes my Aunt says that after the funeral, etc she thinks people just forget. As I tried to tell Jana at the visitation through many tears, it's not that people forget . .. it is just that they don't know what to say. Nothing can ease the loss or the pain. Your mom was so young, so full of life, taken so unexpectedly. Rest assured that even though people may sometimes find it hard to say the right things, they will not forget. Your family will be in the thoughts & prayers of MANY for YEARS to come!! Certain holidays and occassions, will bring you and your family to the fore front of our thoughts & prayers . .. so, that, in the most difficult times, the prayers for your family will increase. After death, every joyous occassion also becomes an occasion to grieve. Just remember that because of God's eternal gift, your mom is there with you in spirit. God bless you & keep you all always. My thoughts and prayers are with you so often these days and will remain with you!
Stephanie Young
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