Sometimes you just need your mom!

I am finding it hard to post these days. I think partly because this is mom's site and all the posts now are pretty much about me! Also, I think a lot of what I am feeling day to day is so personal. A friend once said it is hard to parade this kind of emotion in front of the world and boy is that true. I think I find it easier to talk about my anger, or craziness than I do about sorrow. Sorrow has always been such a private emotion for me. I guess I have always felt like it showed a greater weakness in me than any other emotion or behavior. Sounds silly doesn't it.

So let me start at the beginning of this whole lamenting thing. Thursday, I left for Oklahoma City (OKC) with my husband's boss and his wife. I actually followed them. Steve had a business type meeting there this weekend but was still in IL doing training all week. He was scheduled to fly into OKC late Friday night. I went early to attend the ladies outings, visit with friends etc. I even went to the evening dinner without Steve!! (I think he should receive extra points for that one! or at least I should!) Well, I did shop and visit etc which was great. But the weather was cold and stormy. For the dinner that evening I dressed up a little and went down stairs to cross the street to the convention center. It was raining like crazy and the wind was really blowing. So I checked out one route to the center and then went to the front of the hotel to check out the other. I had just about decided I would ditch the dinner and order from the grill because there was no way I was going to go out in that with the clothes I had brought (I was not prepared for a cold snap like this!) When this man next to me started talking about the meeting and how he was going to take a cab 2 blocks just to walk 1 block back in a covered walk way! (Now there was a concert by the famous Pappa Roach, just don't ask me to tell you anything about them other than I don't think they are my kind of music, and the last home game of the season all in the same block so there were literally hundreds of people in this small area.) So I was shocked this man could be talking about the same meeting. I acted only slightly interested to say the least. Then he kept talking and I realized he knew where I was going (duh, I had the badge in my hand!). So I began to pay attention and realized he really was with the group as far as I could tell. (I don't think a Pappa Roach fan wears a 3 piece suit to a concert!:-)) So I weigh my odds and my condition and ask if I could share the cab! (Couldn't believe it came out of my mouth either!) He said yes and we continued to talk. I asked him lots of questions about the meeting last year and listened for names etc. that I might have picked up on. He gave me enough info that I felt confident he really was with the group we were with. So we stood waiting and waiting and waiting on the cab. We waited over an hour! (traffic was terrible.) Well, we waited so long it stopped raining. The valet loaned me an umbrella and we simply walked across the street!

I meet some friends at the dinner and we ate and caught up on each other some and planned a shopping trip for the following morning! I stepped out to phone home and check on Hogan (he had run a fever that day and complained of a sore throat) Rebecca told me that she had given him Tylenol about 2 1/2 hours before and his fever was almost 104! I decided it was time to go home! So I called Steve's boss's wife and told her I needed to leave. She said she wanted to ride with me since it was so late. I agreed knowing I would do the same for her and was actually grateful for the company. (She is a lot of fun!) We left by 9 o'clock and drove in rain almost all the way home! I arrived home around 3 in the morning. Now don't forget I was supposed to pick Steve up at the airport at 11 that evening! He had been stuck in IL on the tarmac for about 5 hours due to weather there and called me around 1 or so in the morning to learn I was almost home! I told him about Hogan and that he was on his own (poor guy). He got in to OKC around 3 am got the last taxi out of the airport, and arranged to ride home with his boss on Saturday! (confused yet? we were!)

Hogan was pretty sick when I got home, but his fever was down some. Rebecca had to leave early Saturday morning for a speaking engagement. So I cat napped with Hogan while Sarah watched way too much TV and woke me up about every 30 minutes! Finally, Steve called and said they were in town and we went to pick him up around 7 o'clock Saturday night. He was beat! He only had about 2 1/2 hours of sleep and then meetings that morning and travel that afternoon.

Well, I began feeling bad sometime Saturday afternoon and by the time I got Steve home I knew I was sick. I had fever. It got high enough I had to call the OB and they said to go to the ER if it got to 102. Well, it did 2 times before I finally went on Sunday evening! (Jana teased me about chewing ice and taking my temp so I could avoid going!) The ER trip was terrible. The doc did not even know I was pregnant! I had to ask for what they sent me there for and she finally said are you pregnant? Anyway, after much "ta do" they did an ultrasound and sent me upstairs to monitor the baby (what I was worried about)! My OB came in and was unhappy with the ER doc and finished the lab work she failed to get. My white count was up but not terribly, so they let me go home (no contractions and baby sounded and looked good!) But he told me to stay home on Monday.

I began feeling some better, but Hogan remained sick. By Tuesday I was back at work, but Hogan was with me because he still was sick. He had a terrible coughing spell at work and had me concerned, but with an updraft he calmed down. Steve came by at lunch to pick Hogan up so he could spend the afternoon at his office. (Steve can often work in his office and be with Hogan/Sarah while at my office I go in and out of rooms they can't go in). He seems better this evening so we hope tomorrow is a better day.

In the meantime, Brianna has spiked a high fever and we just got in from the hospital with her. She had lab drawn and saw her doctor. (Aunt Angie will only treat so much in a family member!) She had a very difficult time breaking the high fever, but I just got the call she did. We were gearing up to have to take her in for a septic work up (not a fun thing)! So that is one prayer answered for sure tonight!

So you may be wondering why the lament? I really needed mom the past few days. She would have been right there for each one of us. I felt like there was this big hole at each event! You know how you get irritated at your mom for hovering and worrying about you so much, well I really missed that. I guess it is a thing only a mom can fill and ours is now empty.

I have been a very irritable person today. I know with time things will smooth over, but today was the first day I felt like I REALLY NEEDED mom. She is the one who always kept my kids when they were sick. I was so comfortable leaving them with her. It was almost like an extension of myself. I knew I could work and they would be rock and loved on (maybe more than with me). As I loaded a pretty sick little Hogan into the van this morning to take him to work with me I just had a sense of great loss. I know Steve and I can manage (lots of people do) but it won't ever be like it once was. I looked at Hogan as he slept and thought how much better off he would have been with mom today. I felt like my kids have been robbed of their MorMor and they still need her too. Yesterday Sarah talked about how much she missed MorMor, Minnie, Great Grandmother and all her little pets that have died. I know she is feeling the loss too. And also yesterday, Hogan climbed around to pick out a certain book. He sat down with me and asked me to read to him. He said "MorMor read this to me last" It was very difficult to read after that, but we did. And I guess that is how we will continue to go on