Great NEWS!!!!!!!!!!

Josh came in this weekend to get his car and see everyone. He is turning 21 today! He arrived early Saturday morning and will left last night. He is doing well in school making a 90 on one of his last tests! But that is not the big news, I'm just teasing you all. Josh proposed to Monica today. He did it in the most romantic places - the parking lot of Dixie Cafe! He did get down on one knee and produced a beautiful ring! Of course he went to ask her dad for permission first. He was so nervous! They weren't home and he had to wait on them. I think it added to his nervousness. Monica's dad gave his blessing but wants her to finish school as do we. They are talking about waiting 2 years for her to accomplish that. Monica said yes and we are glad to welcome her to the family!

Jana and her family came in this weekend to work. We worked some on Friday night and then most of the day on Saturday. It is very draining emotionally. We are going through things to find the items we don't think need to be sold. So much we don't want to sell, but don't know what to do with either. We like the stuff that is just stuff - that's easy! We have gone through pictures, bibles, books (mom loved her books), old letters, etc. It is not an easy task to say the least. We are wiped out after just a few hours.

Tonight Jana, Brad and Emily went to see his parents. We enjoyed their company. Emily is so cute. She is growing so fast. She says "mama" now which makes Jana happy! She is trying to figure out crawling too. She still likes to reach though. She has not figured out to push with her legs yet, but it won't be long. She reaches so far she flips over onto her back! TOO CUTE!

Anna and Brian were here too. It is great for me to have the house full. Mom would be so happy to have everyone together. That was one of her very favorite things. It is becoming one of mine. Once again there is food, laughter, and lots of talking. My family does this too but somehow it still seems quit empty in the house. Maybe it is because we continue to live in the back of the house and when everyone is here it fills up. Maybe it is because we are used to the house being full when we were all together and there was so much activity and love then. Anyway, it was really good to see all my sibs this weekend!

Back to Work

Yesterday I went back to work. It was nice having something to do and to keep my mind busy. Monday I stayed home to put mom's taxes together. The house was so empty and quiet. I managed until about 11 then I looked at Hogan and said get your shoes on we are going out! I stayed gone a good part of the day. It just seems weird being here without mom. I go back and forth on thinking that I have forgotten to give her medicine to her or check on her. Then I think I expect her to come waltzing down the hall and tell me she's ready to go shop, eat, etc. like old times. I am not sure which is harder. I am going to work a little extra for the next few weeks to take up more time and recover some lost wages. The other days I hope to spent in the park with the kids! They ride bikes in the yard a lot right now while I sit and do paperwork outside.

Sadness seems to be looming over me. I don't cry much but I have trouble going to sleep anymore. I am a sleeper and sleep has always come pretty easy for me, esp at night. So now I know how you insomniacs feel. I am so tired after lunch I could curl up in the middle of a busy intersection and sleep then I finally get to go to bed and I am restless! It is no fun!

I have not been to the grave site since the funeral. Jana did not want to go when she was here and now I have not found the time to go. I read a post by a young lady who lost her mom right before mom died and she has gone everyday to have lunch at her mom's grave site - even in the snow! So, now I feel guilty, like I have ignored her or something. Maybe tomorrow I will make it out there. I think I will try to go alone (without the kids) the first time and then take them with flowers later if all goes well.

I have been writing thank you notes like crazy as well. I thought I would hate this job, but have found that it is rather nice. I think about each person and their relationship to mom and how she would love to see the flowers or whatever, but more than that she would have loved to visit with each and every person. So, it is a very peaceful time while I write the notes and I smile a lot thinking about what she might say to each one! I know she would be so honored and maybe embarrassed by such an outpouring of love for her.

Muddling Through

Well, I don't know what else to call the past few days. God's grace has carried us through so far. We have all been at peace (more peaceful) than we expected. I don't think we have any illusions that we will skip the grieving process though. There has just been so much to do. Yet I have found very little motivation this week. Some days I think I just sat a lot. Jana was here and got the stomach bug. She was down for the count for 2 days! Fortunately, no one else has come down with symptoms! But her illness and my lack of motivation got us nowhere fast. We did enjoy each others company though. It was comforting just having her and Emily here for the week.

Yesterday our boss showed up. Anna got us moving a little bit. We were able to gather up family pictures and special family items and begin boxing them up for moving. We are not sure what to do with them yet, so one of us will keep them boxed until we can decide. We have not even attempted to tackle mom's things yet. I think this will be a very draining and taxing time for all of us. There are so many memories in each corner, drawer, closet and place we turn. It does not even seem real yet. I feel like we are little kids snooping while mom is out talking with the neighbors! I almost expect her to come in at any minute and I really wish she could.

Jana will plan another trip down in a few weeks and we will stat again. I think we will hire babysitters this time though. I think things will go a lot faster without so many small ones under foot! I will also take Zyrtec BEFORE we do anything!

Sarah had a talent show last night. The girls were so cute! They forgot half the routine and just skipped and skipped and skipped. No one knew they forgot except the mom's that have spent so many hours in practice helping them rehearse! They got a huge applause anyway! I will try to post some pics soon. Their bows were twice as big as their heads!!! Adorable!

Another sad goodbye

Josh left early this morning to return to tech school in TX. We have so enjoyed having him here this week. Mom would have loved having all of us home. It just felt right to all be together. Believe it or not there has not been one argument! With three girls (one pregnant) I think that is nothing short of a miracle! We have made all the arrangements and decisions as a well oiled team. I think we know who spent her whole life oiling that machine. It was one of mom's greatest missions in life. I think we honored her in that way this week.

I have been up since three this morning. I just lay here and wonder what to do next. Today was doctor day with mom. We would spend almost the entire day getting to and from her appointment(s). I know Jana and I have a ton to do today, but I rather go sit in the waiting room. I wonder how crazy the doc would think I was if I just showed up! :-)

I want everyone to know how grateful we have been to all of you. The meals, flowers, plants, cards, letters, visits, even chores and errands have been handled by so many. Jana did such a great job at the funeral. We couldn't thank everyone by name but believe me we all know you by name and all that you have done for us. The one person that she did not mention was Brad (her husband). :-) Oops! Well, Brad thank you for all you have done. I know you have supported Jana and sacrificed your precious time with her and Emily over the last several months. I also believe that the sacrifice will go on for some time longer as we wrap up mom's life. You are certainly not overlooked. I know you would graciously shrug off the thank you, but I just wanted you to know we appreciate it greatly.

Mom returned home peacefully

Well, it has been a few days since I posted and I wanted to fill you in on some of the events of the past few days. There is so to tell you I hardly know where to begin. I will start by saying that mom never complained. She never got angry or difficult. She was her usual pleasant, loving, patient self until the very last minute. What a joy and a privilege to take care of her!

Wednesday morning began with mom falling on her way to the bathroom. We had walked to the bathroom just hours before and she had trouble, but she did it. Then we got up around around 6:45 or so and began our slow journey to the restroom. Halfway there she began losing all muscle strength in her legs. She crumpled to the ground. I tried to help her up, but her strength was just not there. So then we tried to roll over to her stomach and get on her hands and knees to crawl and that too was too much for her. Steve had gone to his men's bible study early that morning about 30 minutes away. I had to call him and ask him to come home and help me. I tried to make her a comfortable as possible. The kids were scared and didn't understand why MorMor was lying in the floor. When Steve got home he used a sheet to get mom up. He had to completely lift her. She got to the standing position and he put his arms around her in a hug/dance style and they slowly walked to the bed (he more carried her than walked her). Once in bed I let her rest for a while. Steve took the Sarah to school for me and Hogan and I finished getting ourselves ready. Then I began on mom again. I brought everything to the bed to get her ready. Thankfully I had given her a shower the evening before. Unfortunately I put her to bed without completely drying her hair! So we worked on that as well. About an hour and a half later she looked great. You would never have known she spent so much time on the floor that morning. I got her in the wheelchair (Steve had to move her massive bedroom furniture to make room for the chair). Robbie stopped by and helped me get her in the car. I was scared to do it by myself as falling on concrete would hurt worse tan carpet! We had no problems getting her in and then we were off. We took Hogan to school, got gas, went to the bank to retrieve paperwork from the lock box, returned to the house to get something I left (I seem to not be able to leave and remember everything the first time!) She sat in the car while I ran around. Then we headed to the doc's office we were an hour and a half late at this point but I figure I wait on him every week for at least 2 hours.

At the office, they had a hard time getting a blood pressure on her with the automatic machine. When they took it manually it was a little low for her but still normal. We got her blood work back and it was good. Next we saw the doctor. He looked concerned as I told him about her falling, and all the other difficulties we had had this week. I told him I was concerned about her mouth because my flashlight went out 2 days ago. Her mouth was great before that. He said she had terrible thrush (I felt terrible!!!!!). I told him we had an appointment that afternoon with hospice and had told NIH we were not going to be able to come to Maryland. He then turned and told me he wanted to put her in the hospital and I said I did not want to take her there. I was afraid we would go in and not be able to get out, spending her last two to three weeks in the hospital was not what she would want. So he began talking to mom and explaining the options. She said she wanted to go to the hospital, so I closed my mouth (except to grumble under my breath a little - I didn't think she fully understood the full picture). I asked him how long we would be there and he did not know, next I asked IF we would come home and he also said he did not know. So, I told him we needed to go to lunch first. He looked a little irritated, but I persisted. I thought, you can tell me to go straight to the hospital, but I am telling you what I am going to do! The nurse came in and said she had a room for mom, but then looked at me very apologetically and said "but could you go to lunch first because the room is not ready yet"! I just looked at the doc and smiled and said "She is good!" He just smiled and shook his head.

We went to lunch with Becki, Florence Mae, Joyce and Joan. We ate at Frankie's and had a very nice time. We stayed about an hour and a half (we did not rush!). We stopped to mail a letter and went to the hospital. I got mom out of the car and into the wheelchair. We had to park at the very top of the parking lot because they were so busy. We started down the hill, mom went faster and faster and faster. Soon I had both feet planted and was leaning back against the chair and we were still moving! I couldn't get to the break and even if I had I think it would have jolted mom out of the chair to stop suddenly. Finally, I swung wide and and turned the chair so we were not going straight this allowed us to stop. At the bottom of the hill, we stopped to look at the flowers. I told mom to enjoy the sun and flowers because once we went in they had us. She just nodded.

We were checking in through admissions when mom had to go to the restroom. Had I known what was coming next I would have told her to hold it! We got to the restroom and the stall was marked handicap accessible, but was too small to move around good with a wheelchair. Finally I wedged the chair in and was not even able to close the door all the way. I though well at least this is a restroom that is not frequently used! The next thing was about the worst thing that has happened. She fell in the restroom. I held her for a minute or two trying to help her get her feet back under her. I tried to lift her up but couldn't. Finally, I had to let her down to the floor. She was then trapped between the wheelchair legs. I could not move the chair forward, backward or sideways. She was literally stuck. I was trapped in the corner as well. I was able to climb over everything and about that time a lady from a plant company came in to fill her watering can. I asked her to go get help. (I was dialing the main hospital number to get help at that time.) She ran out and shortly a business lady came in and said "oh my, we need security." She did help me lift the chair out - it had to go over our heads! She then went to get help. I was able to get mom in a more comfortable position until help came. She looked up at me and said "I can't believe I did this." I felt so bad for her. I held her until they came. Next two ER ladies came in at tried to lift mom straight up but soon figured out that would not work, so they sent for more help. Next thing I know the whole bathroom was full of ER staff. I bet around 6 or so. They lifted mom with a sheet as a sling and put her on a gurney (I laughed and told mom that she really knew how to get a room!) By the time I got through talking to the security officers about what happened and got to her room, they had her comfortable in bed. She looked good and fell asleep.

I talked with the hospice nurse at the hospital and got info on how we would make the transition to home and learned they would help us get there. I was relieved that someone would be advocating for us to go home in a couple of days. Her tap of the pleural effusion was scheduled for the next morning. That evening a couple of friends came up to stay with mom so I could go home and back a bag and see the kids. I packed for 3 days. I returned to the hospital and Anna was there with Brianna. We visited just a minute and they left. We settled in and went to bed. I slept very little that night. There seemed to be a parade of people in and out of her room. They checked on her so often and were very gentle with her. Around 2 AM she was hurting, they brought her a pain pill and she took it with some water (no problem). She then slept pretty well. They drew blood at 3 AM, blood pressure at 4 AM it was low but okay. At 5 AM they placed a catheter. 6 AM they could not get an IV started after many attempts. At 7AM a new crew came in to try for IV access and vitals. They were not having any success with the IV and the tech started saying she could not get a blood pressure reading. The pulse ox was 83% (want it as close to 100% as you can get it below 90% is bad). They started oxygen but nothing improved. I asked in shock, "Do I need to call my family in?" Without hesitation they said yes. Now, I am a nurse and I know what all this meant, I just couldn't believe it was now and thatit was my mom! I then called the doctor and told him I wanted a central line for fluids because I felt she was in hypovolemic shock (ext. dehydrated). He very gently replied that if he could change the outcome over the next couple of weeks he would put one in in a second, but that at this point,with the cancer in her spine, she had nothing but very difficult days ahead of her. She was not going to improve, but we were just going to place her on hospice care and keep her comfortable. He told me it was our cue to release her to heaven and we needed to take the opportunity because she was going very fast at this point and was comfortable. I slumped but knew he was right at this point. I very quietly agreed and told him thank you for all he had done for mom. I looked at the nurses and told them. They gathered their things and quietly slipped out. The charge nurse told me to let her know if we needed anything and that if she gave any indication of pain to let them know and they would take care of it right away. They said there would be no reason for her to hurt. I called my sisters and the red cross to get Josh home. I called mom's brother and Steve. Then I went to mom and with many tears told her how much I loved her and what a wonderful mom she was. I told her it was now time for her to take care of herself and that we would take care of each other. I told her that she had raised us close, strong and faithful to God and that we would all be okay. She nodded a few times during all this. I leaned over and kissed her forehead and hugged her and told her how much I loved her again and that I would miss her terribly, but would see her before very long. She once again nodded. I then told her to rest. I asked several times if she was hurting and she shook her head. Then she only grimaced once and when asked if she hurt she nodded. I called the nurse and she gave mom a shot of morphine. Dear Becki showed up sometime right after this to be with me. Also a pastor from our church came soon after.

Anna came sometime between 8:30 and 9:00 (I think). She was able to talk to mom and mom nodded to her as well. We made more phone calls and mom slept comfortably. Then around 9:20 I came in and said that while Anna was there with Becky and the pastor, I wanted to get a shower. At this very moment Anna said mom's eyes looked funny and she was trying to open them. We went straight to her and she began the death rattle. I pushed the call button for the nurse to get the patch to help with the secretions from this and talked to mom. Her eyes began to clear as she focused. Her breathing continued to be fairly easy and she then focused far away and her pupils dilated. She then took her last few breaths and the desk answered the call (all within 1 minute or so). I changed my request from a patch to telling them I thought she was gone and asked for a nurse to come. They were there very quickly and called the doctor in to verify the death. It was 9:26 when she passed away into heaven.

I called Jana and she was just checking into the airport and going to make the plane. I talked to Brad (her husband) he was shocked she went so quickly. He asked if I wanted to tell Jana and I told him he could since he could be with her. I then called mom's brother and told him. He too was surprised. He decided to turn around, repack and come back with his wife for the now pending funeral. Jana too decided to go home with Brad and leave that afternoon with him. Steve came shortly after this as did other visitors. They bathed mom and got her ready for us. Then they allowed us to stay with her as long as we wanted. We stayed until about 12:30. The hardest thing in the world was for me to leave her lying there all alone. I was supposed to be taking her home not leaving her.

We began making arrangements. One of mom's very favorite person and pastor agreed to come in for her funeral. This was such a gift to us. She would have felt like a queen to know this man would travel so far for her. She would never have believed it! Josh came in late that night and Jana and Brad even later. We were all together again. Mom would have loved this. We have spent the past 2 days planning and calling. We have not had one argument over anything. (I have heard horror stories about this process.) People have been wonderful. Some friends came to clean for us, food has poured in. Visitors have come. People continue to pray for us. How blessed we truly are.

We saw mom last night and she is beautiful. We had them change her hair a little to look more like mom. We have gathered dozens of photos for all of those who make it to the visitation to view. This has been very therapeutic. We have talked so much about what she must be doing now and how happy she must be. It was ironic. As soon as she died the fight was over and the thoughts of her new freedom and joy began to flow. She would not come back for anything right now.

We dread the next few days and weeks. We have all had the feeling that mom is missing or needs to be checked on since we haven't heard from her in awhile. I find myself looking for the baby monitor that I used when I had to go to another room for a while. Steve used it at night to keep up with whether or not we needed help. We have not been able to find things and want to call mom and ask her where it might be. She will be missed terribly by all of us.

"Celebrating Faye"

Arrangements have been made, and the visitation will be held at Ashby Funeral Home in Benton from 2 to 4pm on Sunday March 11th.

The funeral will be on Monday March 12th at 2pm at Ashby Funeral Home in Benton.

Thank you for all your help, and prayers. I am sure that Angie will be posting again soon.

Steve

"Returning Home"

Yesterday Faye went to the doctor, and he wanted to put her in the hospital to drain the fluid from around her lung. Angie argued, and I am surprised she did not win. The hospital did not have a room ready for her so Angie and Faye went to lunch with Faye's cousins. I called Angie, and she and her mom were looking at the purple flowers in front of Baptist Medical Center. It was a beautiful day in Little Rock yesterday, and I must say I was a bit jealous.

When I got to the hospital yesterday evening, Faye seemed to be doing great. I asked her how she was feeling, and she said good. She always said good, and rarely complained. A complaint from Faye was rare, and meant she was really uncomfortable. It took a bit of coaxing, but finally I was convinced that she was not hurting much at all. She looked very comfortable and at peace. It was good to see her feeling good. She had fallen yesterday morning, and I left men's group at church to go and help Angie get her up. It took some effort, but I think we got her to her bed with very little discomfort to her. I had her hug me as we went to the bed to support her weight. When I sat her down, I felt she needed a hug, so I let the hug linger a bit. I guess that was my last hug from her.

On the way to the hospital it struck me that I helped my aunt Mary Ann get my grandfather out of the floor to the bed the day he died. I have been so glad of those moments over the years, and I am sure that helping Faye will be right up there with that. It was a bit sobering though, and unfortunately foreshadowing.

We watched a program on TV about a popsicle factory. She was always addicted to the Food Network. She told me she wanted to start a popsicle factory. That was an interesting five or six minute conversation. She was always a dreamer, and loved to joke around. I think I am really going to miss her laughter, and teasing her. We loved to joke around.

This morning Angie called me about 8, and said her mom was doing a lot worse. I was madly trying to get things taken care of so I could get there to check on her. Then the word came that Faye had passed. I couldn't believe it happened so fast, and neither could the nurses or hospice. The hospice nurse didn't even think we were ready for hospice yet.

Faye has returned home. Our Lord has prepared a special place for her, that we can not even imagine. It is such a blessing to know that Faye is no longer suffering, and that she is where she wanted to be. Her family is returning home too. Jana will be returning to normal life. The constant travel will slow as Faye's things are taken care of. Anna and Brian will be moving into their new home when they find the one they want, and Angie and I will be taking the kids back to our place. Life will return to normal, but there will be an empty spot, and only God knows when it will be filled.

It has been a hard five months, but we have watched a courageous lady tackle impossible odds with grace beyond understanding. We have seen the hand of God in our lives daily. He has showered us with his grace and mercy. His children have poured out their hearts and lives to help us in ways we could never dream. My kids have matured in their faith, and taught me a lot along the way. It is exactly as Paul said in Ephesians, God is able to more than we can ever imagine or ask. And he has shown himself faithful to us, and to Faye.

I can't speak for everyone else, but I am leaving this blessed. I am a better person for living it. Faye has counseled us one last time in how to live a faithful life with grace and gratitude for the ones you love. Sadness will fade, and God's love will fill us, and the lessons learned will bring us forward until we return home and see Faye again.

-Steve

"But God is doing what is best"

You know God speaks to us in some of the most unexpected times in unexpected ways. Today started out to be a very bad day, and it was bad, but there have been some real points of beauty and wisdom as well.

This morning started as usual, until I went to get mom up. She had such a hard time yesterday. She went from walking in the office with me with assistance to barely able to walk inside the house and into the livingroom with Steve that night. Steve had noticed a big change in her so I knew it wasn't just me worrying too much. I had hoped a good nights sleep would do her good and we would wake up refreshed. I was very disappointed to say the least. She could barely make it out of bed and into the bathroom this morning. It took me over an hour just getting her up and ready. I even called the office in tears because I knew I had patients waiting and could not get mom to the car. Our wheelchair broke over the weekend and I sent it in for repairs and this was the day she couldn't hold herself up to walk across the room! Finally she made it to the bedroom door and I put her in the walker with a small seat and drug her around in it. I was so scared it would flip over since it is made to rest in, not ride in! But we made it in one piece, just very late. I worked for a few hours and mom slept most of the time in the recliner. She did crumple to the floor at one point and the nurses had to help her up. Finally, a loaner wheelchair arrived and I relaxed a little bit.

Things progressed throughout the day and I could tell how much mom had declined in just 24 hours. It is hard to believe and hard to go into all the details, but let's just say I had wanted it to be obvious when it was time to quiet fighting and call hospice and today it became pretty clear to me. That is where some of the beauty comes in. I had talked yesterday with the nurse practitioner at the NIH and they said to do emergency radiation. So then I talked with her primary doc and she consulted with the oncologist. They advised against the radiation based on several things. #1 the tumor did not respond well to radiation before and this leads them to believe it will not respond well now either. #2 We could limit her function much quicker by doing radiation and irritating the nerves, etc like the swelling occured in the brain. #3 The oncologist did not feel mom could handle the trips to LR everyday for radiation and would have to admit her to the hospital for treatments and he felt she would not ever leave the hospital. So, I think we all know she does not want to spend her last amount of time in a hospital if that can be helped and I agreed on the non-responding tumor theory (same cancer cells and all). Finally, I want her to be the best she can be for as long as she can be that way. So, we agreed to wait and see what the doc we say at NIH had to say after he got her spine MRI that I overnighted to him.

So, as I was getting in the car this afternoon to go to the hospital to check out the hospice unit while a friend stayed with mom, I just quickly prayed something like how can I do this. It is so hard. I then turned the car on and a beautiful song titled "I wish you were here" came on the radio. For some reason, I stopped to listen and the song went on and said something like: that is where you will find me, when I am finally free to walk the streets of gold and worship our creator. I cried. It is hard to think of the beauty of death when you are fighting so hard for life and I felt God gently nudging me to see things a little more like He sees them. So, I went on to visit the hospice unit and make an appointment to meet with them tomorrow.

As I was driving then the NIH nurse practitioner called and I was telling her all about mom and the decline. I told her we had decided not to radiate the spine and the reasons and that I did not think mom could make the trip to Maryland now. She said she had just spoken with mom's doc and he had reviewed her MRI films. She reported that he too felt that comfort care was in order at this point. I felt this was confirmation for me since they are very aggressive in treating this.

Finally, I was picking Sarah up from practice and began gently telling her about her Mor-Mor and how she was not doing very well. I said you know honey, she may not be with us very much longer. She replied that Mor-Mor would always be with us even in Heaven. I sort of thought this was typical thinking for a kid and went on with the conversation. The she stopped my explainations and said, "But God is doing what is best." I was speechless. This little 6 year old but into words so matter of factly what is the truth. I felt like it was God talking to me directly and saying that He loves mom even more than me and cares more for her than I ever could. He has her in mind and is watching over her very closely even in this very dark moment.

So to say the least, I have cried a lot today and probably will for the next several days or weeks, but God has spoken ever so softly, but clearly. Whatever happens is in His hands and that makes this easier. I am still praying for that miracle and thank everyone of you that are standing in the gap for mom. I feel like you are holding our arms up during the battle. I know it must be hard and I appreciate every single prayer. I don't hear them but they are beautiful to the God who does. He has not forgotten us at all.

Someone wanted to see the pictures. They are on www.fayesupdate.shutterfly.com password God's child (case and space sensitive). I tried to remove the password function, but have not gone back to make sure yet, so you may still need it.

I know tonight's blog is really, really long but I also want to share a poem I found on the web. I hope the credit is right and the words are really his because it came off a cancer message board and this lady found it on a 7th grade girls website that also has a glioblastoma brain tumor. It is written more for a child I think, but remember, mom too was a baby brought into this world by loving parents. It has really helped me see the beauty surrounding me and I hope it helps some of you with your own pain as well.

The Brave Little Soul
By: John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, “Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?” God paused for a moment and replied, "Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see, unlocks the love in people’s hearts.” The little soul was confused. “What do you mean,” she asked.” God replied, “Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.” The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, “The suffering soul unlocks the love in people’s hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love – to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity." Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go! I would like to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people’s hearts! I want to create that miracle!" God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help you create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you. God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, “Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed.” Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God’s strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people’s hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys – some regained lost faith – many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened. God was pleased.

New Pictures

Jana has posted some new pictures of our cruise on the shutterfly album. The password is God's child. (Please make note of the space and it is case sensitive as well.) We hope you enjoy the new pictures. Monica, if you read these we would love for you to add a few of the San Antonio trip and any new ones you might have of Josh.

Sad News!

Well, it is with a very heavy heart that I blog tonight. We received mom's results on her MRI and the tumor has metastasized into her spine. There are 3 tumors that they could see on the MRI. The are in the mid to low back to very low spine. She has other spinal problems as well most likely unrelated, but I am not sure at this point. She also has a large fluid collection around her right lung. They do not know what has caused this and it is not usually seen with this type of cancer. At some point they will need to drain this, but that will wait until she has more trouble catching her breath than right now. We do not know what we are going to do at this point. I am still waiting to hear from the NIH, but that seems to be quickly fading into the background. Things have happened so fast it leaves my head spinning. This mets thing is supposed to happen "very rarely". I guess we are just very rare all the way around. Right now mom is hurting a lot in her back and often says she hurts all over. I am not sure how we are going to control the pain either. Radiation apparently can be very painful on the spine and even burn the spine. For something that has no cure this seems like a terrible risk to take. Right now she can move around at least.

My sisters and brother and I are all very sad right now as we reel from this latest blow. We will let you know when we know more.

"As long as it is purple and says 'Close the barn door'"

Mom is continually cominig up with the funniest statements. I was getting her in bed last night when she came up with this beauty. What it was in relation to I have no idea. I think we were talking about whether or not she was comfortable. I blog a lot of these because I do not want to forget the times we laugh with her. All the irritating things seem to stick but the cute things fade into the details.

I do think mom is doing much better. She finished the antibiotics several days ago and she is much more active. She has been laughing and talking a lot more and her shaking is even better. She is able to keep up with activities around her again and is not sleeping all the time. Her stomach problems have pretty much vanished (which is a great relief!!!!) and her appetite is improved. She did think I was Nelda today and I had a difficult time convincing her I was not Nelda (actually, I think she just finally lost the train of thought).

We went for her MRI of the spine today and are now awaiting the results. At this point I am really hoping for muscle spasms or anything easier to deal with than a tumor or compression fracture. She will not be able to under go surgery I am sure. But she just hurts so bad. She tells me over and over that she hurts all over too. This scares me a little as well. GBMs are not supposed to spread, but I guess there is always a small chance of anything.

We are trying to get her scheduled for our return trip to Maryland and it is going very slow for some reason. I wonder if they are waiting on the MRI results first. We should know more today. I wish they would tell us exactly what her chances of having a big problem are. One doc will seem real concerned and another not so much! It drives me crazy!!! I guess I would just like them to wave a star trek machine over her and tell me exactly and instantly!

Well, I will try to post again tonight or whenever we get the results of the MRI (problem with doing things on a Friday!) Thank you all for your prayers!!!